Moms Need Occupational Balance!!!

Occupational balance is a vital part of our mental health. When we ignore ourselves completely, we may think we are selflessly serving our loved ones and workplaces, but the truth is we can't be effective when we're teetering on the brink of complete and utter overwhelm.

 

Are you a new mom? A seasoned mom of multiple kiddos? How about a woman pregnant with her first little one? If any of these apply, I'm fairly confident in telling you that you're doing too much. 

As a group, we are overextended, overworked, and completely swamped. And I'm not just talking about our moms who work for pay, it's our stay-at-home moms too. In fact, I've done every combination you can think of... full-time stat-at-home mom, part-time-job mom, full-time-job mom, part-time-school and part-time-work mom, and part-time-school mom--you get where I'm going here--and out of all of those scenarios, being a full-time stay-at-home mom was the most challenging for me personally.

I love this video of Dr. Renata Forste presenting on this very issue. You can watch the series of videos here, and start with the first video below.

The long hours at home with unrelenting and needy kiddos who never said thanks, screamed at me constantly, and didn't even allow me a bathroom or lunch break was depressing, overwhelming, and completely drowned me. I seriously considered organizing a union. 😅

In all seriousness, my focus on giving my children and partner everything they needed first before I even thought about myself was a recipe for disaster. It wasn't until I heard a Mother's Day talk at church (by a man!) who spoke about his mother who died when he was a young teen that I started to see my situation clearly.

Children Are Sponges

Brother Siddoway (as I knew him) spoke of the anguish of losing his sweet mom at a young age, and he shared that one of his greatest regrets was the fact that she never knew how much she did for him before she passed. He recounted watching her do everything for his family selflessly and woundedly. Witnessing that half a life made him feel endlessly sad, guilty, and even robbed of getting to know who she really was. 

Brother Siddoway's mother went to her deathbed feeling that she had failed him. But his perspective was much different. To Brother Siddoway, his mother was an angel on Earth that he wished could have passed at peace--feeling fulfilled. He regrets that he never got to see who his mother was outside of her motherhood role.

When Brother Siddoway got married and then had his first child, he insisted that his young bride live fully and vibrantly--a gift that his mom never received. "Children are like sponges," he said. "You give and you give and they will continue to take and take. Do the basics for them and take care of yourself. It is enough." 

He continued, "We love to glorify mothers of times past who crossed the plains to head West while they raised 8 kids at a time. But you know what?" he said. "These moms didn't do it alone. They had a gaggle of friends who they shared the burden and joy of motherhood with, and each one of them were imperfect. We never talk about the corporal punishment and neglect (by 21st century standards), that these pioneer women resorted to while they faced unrealistic and inhumane living standards. Rather, we use idealized motherhood from times past as a stick to beat mothers with."

"The truth is, there has never been a cohort of more devoted and selfless mothers..., and it's killing you. Children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who love them and who keep trying to meet the challenge of parenthood with love and compassion. But how can you instill a sense of compassion in your children when you have no compassion for yourselves?"

My Journey to Occupational Balance

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I was devoted to my 4-, 2-, and new- year-olds (as I often called them), but did they ever see glimpses of who I was or true joy in my fulfilled eyes? The answer was no. 

As a stay-at-home mom to very young children, I tried to do everything while my husband worked full-time and attended graduate school full-time. I didn't just complete 1 shift or even 2, I was completing 3 shifts a day. I wanted my spouse to be able to eat and rest in a spotless and quiet home in the few hours he was there, but in doing so, I was robbing him of me and of connecting to his children... and for what? I was miserable. We were all missing something... was it truth? Acceptance? Closeness? All of the above? YES.

In a sense, my family was living a lie. The message I was sending was that we hide who we truly are, so we can give everyone else the very best. But it wasn't the very best. To my children, the very best was me.

I knew then that I needed change. In response, I took a parenting class, studied childhood development, started saying "no" (for the first time in my life) when I was overextended, focused on building my friendships back up, took me time, worked on building a true connection in my marriage, and asked my partner and family for help when I needed it. I'm sure they were shocked... 'This woman who always says, "No thank you" to offers of help started saying, "YES! please" and in fact began to seek it out.'

I'm not going to sugar-coat it, after years of self-neglect, mission Work On Myself has taken at least a decade until I have felt comfortable in my own skin. But you know what? I have achieved so much: my dream of attaining my doctorate is a semester away; my goal to lose and maintain weight loss has bloomed; my love of the outdoors has been realized through regular walks, hikes, swims, and more; regular girls' nights filled with support and fun; good mental health through talk therapy and processing; and the ability to fall asleep at night without self-beratement... with the help of a little melatonin (don't judge, I'm a graduate student 😜). 

While I certainly haven't arrived in terms of a judgey stare as I look down my nose at everyone else, but I have found what balance looks and feels like for me, and I have the tools I need to return to balance once it gets a little out of whack. This is what I want for you mommas: occupational balance.

Occupations

What is occupational balance? you ask. It is an ever-changing symmetry of occupation, client factors, performance skills, performance patterns, as well as context and environment. "Say what?" you're probably thinking right about now. But I'll explain.

There are 9 different general occupations: taking care of your body (we call that activities of daily living), doing chores (we call those instrumental activities of daily living), work (paid or unpaid), education (formal or informal... we're lifetime learners), play (yes! even adults need joy), social participation, leisure (enjoyable activities), rest and sleep (you need around 8 hours of sleep a night), and health management (watching your nutrition, maintaining physical activity, and managing healthcare appointments for yourself). Your ability to do each of these 9 occupations depends on several factors.

Client Factors

Client factors are made up of your values, beliefs, and spirituality, the status of your body, and how well it functions. Spirituality is separate from religion. It can go along with it, but not necessarily. While I got to church, I don't get my spiritual fulfillment from sitting on the pews. My spiritual fulfillment comes from the great outdoors. A walk around the park is my daily prayer to my creator. Without access to the outside, my mental health plummets immediately. Maybe you get your spiritual fulfillment from meditating, listening to uplifting music, doing yoga, or any other number of things that make you feel connected--connected to yourself, connected to others, connected to nature, connected to a larger purpose. There is no right or wrong to experience spirituality... the only wrong is if you're deprived of that wonder. The status and functioning of our bodies change with time and circumstances, but we have tools that make these things as optimal as possible. Work on health management and reach out to your healthcare providers. There are some awesome occupational therapists who are excited to work with you if you feel it would benefit you.

Performance Skills

As it turns out, our ability to get around, make sense of the world around us, and participate in social activities is a huge predictor of our ability to do occupations successfully. If you struggle in any one of these areas, speak to your primary care provider. They can help come up with a plan. Perhaps a physical trainer or physical therapist is in order, or perhaps a psychotherapist, speech-language pathologist, or especially an occupational therapist. There are so many types of therapists whose life missions are to help. Accept that help if it can benefit you.

Performance Patterns

Our performance patterns are made up of habits, routines, rituals, and roles. These things give us a sense of time and fulfillment while also allowing our lives to flow smoothly. Often, when we hit a snag it's because we get in a rut. My young mom self hit a major rut, and it was mostly because of my performance skills. My habits and routines eliminated my humanity from everything I did, my rituals were completely child-based, and my only role became being a mom. It was clear that my performance skills self-programming was not serving me and my needs, so I needed a system update. Therapy... whether it be from an occupational therapist, clinical social worker, marriage and family therapist, or a clinical psychologist can all help you with your own system reboot.

Context and Environment

So many things go into our context and environment: cultural, personal, physical, social, time, and the virtual world (especially in a post-COVID world). If our environment don't support our needs, then the environment needs to be hacked and changed. There are many books and blogs that can help you optimize your environment, but hands-down, the best profession to help you with this is occupational therapy... if you need a little bit more help than self-help can give you.

All of these things--the domain of occupational therapy, as we call it--need to be balanced for optimal health and wellness. This is a process... a journey, so don't feel like you need to figure it out today. One foot in front of the other is how you start an epic journey. 

I know you can do it! I am your biggest cheerleader on this occupational journey to balance and joy.