Idealized Motherhood vs. Valuing Motherhood
Motherhood is wonderful and difficult, rewarding and challenging, but what it is not is ideal. Many women find joy in motherhood, but some do not. And something I've realized is that many women who struggle with their role of mother also subscribe to the idea that there is an idealized type of motherhood, and they simply are not living up to it. The cruel truth facing this thought in the mirror is that there is no such thing as a perfect mother or one way to do motherhood. Each human and life circumstance is unique, and therefore, each mother is unique.
If you're a perfectionist, right about now you're beating yourself up for believing idealized motherhood exists, and yet again... you tell yourself, "I'm doing this wrong because clearly, I assume the wrong things about being a mom." But I'm here to tell you that you didn't come up with idealized motherhood on your own. This couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, you are the prime prey of the idealized motherhood myth. You are trying to do right by the standard of "right" that was taught to you.
Motherhood is impacted by so many things, but one thing, in particular, is the cultural view of how to "do motherhood," or what social scientists call socialized motherhood. Society as a whole, or insular communities within said society, often conflate motherhood to a woman's only avenue to realize her greatest potential, but this is a thought error. The equivalence of fatherhood is motherhood. The equivalence of husband is wife. The equivalence of a man's vocation is a woman's vocation. The equivalence of a man's occupations and interests are a woman's occupations and interests.
Maybe you're wondering why I repeated vocation and occupation. This is because the two have two different meanings. A vocation is what you do for formal work; whereas, occupation is any meaningful thing that occupies your time. Within the United States, the American Occupational Therapy Association outlines nine different types of occupation: 1.) activities of daily living (the ways you take care of your body), 2.) instrumental activities of daily living (the ways you take care of family and the home), 3.) health management, 4.) work, 5.) education, 6.) play, 7.) leisure, 8.) social participation, and 9.) rest and sleep.
To live a happy and healthy life, humans require occupational balance. Yet, within our society, we tend to idealize mothers to the point that they are relegated to the motherhood pedestal alone, along with all of its instrumental activities of daily living--cooking, cleaning, chores, child-rearing, etc.. However, occupational therapists, who are healthcare providers--know that this is a recipe for poor mental health, poor physical health, burnout, and a derealization of human potential. Women are humans first and mothers second, third, or even fourth.
As you continue on your motherhood journey, tend to your occupational balance but be kind to yourself when things get a little hectic. It happens to everyone... including those without new babies. When you notice that your balance is getting out of wack, prioritize "me time." We all need self-nurture to tend to our needs.
Motherhood is valuable and quite likely the most meaningful accomplishment you will have in your life--and prioritizing family is important--but striving to be an ideal mother without your own identity or occupational abundance devalues you as a human being filled with needs, value, and potential. Remember your value as you move forward on your journey. You've got this!
